I love what you’re saying here, P. So often, men have been conditioned in so many ways simply to be the followers and react-ers in their long-term relationships with women. They get angry, or they withdraw, or they placate. What you’re suggesting is for a man to be proactive, to take emotional leadership for a change. I think that emotionally healthy women want their husbands and boyfriends to speak up for what they feel. They might resist it for a bit because it feels so new and they’re not used to it, but if they can see that the man is speaking from a place of caring and wanting to build connection, they will accept it and feel relieved. They may not immediately admit it, though, because it’s hard not to feel criticized and put down some when someone talks to you the way you describe, so I say that if a man is going to confront his wife with these feelings, he needs to express them with a voice and manner that is as gentle, nonthreatening and compassionate as he can muster.

Built that way or not, it’s not time to give up on the marriage. This isn’t just some relationship. You give it 100%. If you feel like you’re always losing, suggest couples therapy. She may not go for it at first but sit down with her and have a talk and let her know what’s been on your mind and heart, short of thinking of divorce, and especially that you love her and want this to work. Let her know that you want to love her as best you can but you are having trouble figuring it out. Let her know that you aren’t happy with how things have been and you want to work on it but you’ve both made it clear you can’t do it alone with each other. Couples therapy isn’t a guarantee, but it’s a good option and can help y’all work thru these issues. She might be more likely to go with it if she knows how miserable you’ve been and that you just want to love each other as best you can and not give up. That this is you fighting for this. Just some thoughts. Hope they help.

If, on the other hand, he does get my goat I take the first opportunity to sit down with that feeling and focus with it. I may or may not respond in kind to him and so part of the process is to forgive myself if I have been hurtful. And of course to also forgive him. I see forgiveness as a way of owning my projections and releasing another from them. Even if the other person is actually behaving very badly, remember, no one can get your goat if YOU don’t have a goat to get! And you can do something about your own goat much more easily than you can tame someone else’s goat. 🙂

In my experience, trying to soothe the anxious partner is just leading to me bottling up my emotions because he will simply have an outburst if I try to express how I really feel. This morning, for example, he attacked me angrily with, “Is there a reason you didn’t want to cuddle with me at all last night?” And so I felt forced to cuddle with him then to diffuse his anger. But the entire time, my heart was racing and I couldn’t wait to escape from our bed.

What I really wanted to say is to ask him why he doesn’t believe the things I say: when I told him I wanted a divorce, when I tell him I don’t want to sleep with other people for his pleasure (he’s always been into swinging, and I’ve told him repeatedly I’m fine with him having other partners if he so wishes, but I’m not interested in giving myself away to other men just to get him off), when I told him I felt he didn’t love me when I was pregnant with his child (he told me he wasn’t attracted to me, which would be fine except for still demanding sex while making it clear he did not find me sexy. Wonderful).

Every one of the above complaints was met with: “Oh, you’re just being emotional,” or, in the case of swinging, “Oh, you actually loved it. Right now you’re just remembering it wrong because you’re upset.” I’m at the point where I don’t see any hope for a future with him, and I feel I gave him enough warning that we’re headed for divorce by, you know, straight-up saying it. I realize now I can’t make him care about my thoughts and feelings, and I’m too angry to keep going like this.

So what you’re saying is just because your significant other can’t control their emotions it’s ok for you to do the same thing? She’s not saying don’t fight back just fight back in a different way “kill them with kindness” show them that you don’t have to go down to there level that you can rise above. Fight fire with water not more fire !

I am just living this right now. It is a great struggle to not fall into the caveat of caretaking and taking the blâme to soothe your partner.
I am in the process of recovering from those behaviour and the current surge of anger from my SO was really hard to manage as they just transfèred all of their anger towards me.

However I know that and Why they feel overwhelmed so im standing my ground when it comes to their fingerpointing while offering help and verbalizing what i think is putting them in émotional distress.

To answer the comment above: if you love your SO and feel the connexion exists outside of the anger outbursts it is worth it

I cried when I read this article. Thank you. I didn’t realize that this was why I feel so frightened all the time. I grew up with violence and even in my 60’s any threat from authority makes me stop breathing and become afraid to do anything. I am going to read the rest of your series. Is it linked below the title of this article?