YBY MARY GRACE GARIS IN WELL + GOOD
That Polonius guy from Hamlet once said, “To thine own self be true.” And though Shakespeare was definitely blessing the world with some timeless truth by writing those words, which place value on being authentically you, putting them into practice isn’t so easy in a Facetime-forward world. Because really, what does it even mean to be true to yourself? And also, do I have to consult Hamlet SparkNotes to figure that one out? Because, TBH, I don’t want to relive any part of 10th grade.
Well, phew, according to at least one expert, there’s another way. “Being true to yourself starts with allowing yourself to know what you know, feel what you feel and want what you want,” says Helene Brenner, PhD, licensed psychologist and creator of the My Inner Voice app, “Of course, your feelings can change. What you know may be based on incomplete information. You may want some things that aren’t really feasible in your life.”
The internal conflict that often arises here is that we shame ourselves about how we shouldn’t be feeling or wanting what we want. “We’ll even deny our true desires or feelings, and we’ll pretend that we don’t know things that we honestly know to be true,” she continues. “And very often, we do this because we know that if we are true to ourselves, honest even with ourselves about what we know or feel or want, we will disrupt a relationship, or maybe even several relationships in our lives.”
As someone who was once fearful of leaving a demoralizing job because of the financial strain it would put on her life and a resulting never-ending guilt trip from her parents, does that ever ring true. Being authentic isn’t always easy since it can impact other people in practice, so how can we summon the courage to be true to ourselves? Well, below find three great ways to get started.
1. Vocalize What You Want (What You Really, Really Want)
After identifying your desires, bring your inner voice to the outside. “Sometimes the first step is to allow ourselves to say to ourselves first, and then to others, ‘This is what I truly want. It may not make others happy, and I may not yet know how I’m going to get it, but this is my truth,’” Dr. Brenner says. “And sometimes it may be to admit that we know something that we don’t want to know, because it means that something has to change.”
2. Identify When Situations Make You Feel Uncomfortable
Maybe you can’t exactly figure out the “why” that explains a certain relationship making you feel unhappy. But even if there’s no clear-cut reason, don’t silence that nagging feeling. “Sometimes you may sense that something’s going on that’s making you uneasy, but you can’t quite put your finger on it,” Dr. Brenner says.
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Dr. Helene Brenner is a psychologist in Frederick, Maryland and author of I Know I’m in There Somewhere: A Woman’s Guide to Finding Her Inner Voice and Living a Life of Authenticity (Gotham Books, 2003).