Are men and women completely the same psychologically? If you took away all of the obstacles and all of the value judgments about how people are supposed to be, would women and men experience life in the same way?

For years the only acceptable answer was to say there are no meaningful differences. And for most of the past 20 years, conventional wisdom also had it that we were done talking about “women’s issues,” because all of the important problems had been solved and all the real obstacles eliminated.

Of course, that was never true, and today, in 2021, it is finally being faced again. And today we can again talk about the differences between men’s and women’s experiences, and we can look at the different psychological challenges men and women face.

As women we are destined to confront a fundamental challenge that colors practically every day of our lives. On the one hand, we must respond to, notice and be true to who we genuinely are, what we genuinely think and feel in our own unique and inimitable way. For many of us, the pulse of our internal lives beats strongly. We are aware of how we feel—sometimes, perhaps, more than we want to be. Yet this is our gift, one that we must find a way to honor.

At the same time, we are drawn to connect. We are drawn to follow that urge inside us, that pull of the tide to respond to others, to take their feelings and needs into account, to reach for that moment of intimacy and communion, to tend the web of relationships that sustains (and sometimes smothers) us, and, if we are responsible for dependent children, to fulfill our responsibility to take care of them to the best of our ability, even when it extracts a great cost from ourselves.

Somehow we must balance these two forces. We must bring them together so that neither one cancels the other out. We must find a way to make them work in tandem so that who we truly are enriches all the people we touch, and so that the connections we have with the important people in our lives mirrors, validates and makes stronger the woman we are inside.

Unfortunately, very few women have been taught how to balance these two forces. Very few have been encouraged as young girls to hold on tightly to who they really are; very few have been told that they have an inner voice that is theirs and theirs alone. Instead, they often learn the intricate arts of developing and maintaining connection at a high cost—at the expense of their true selves.

Tend and Befriend

At the turn of the millennium, a group of six psychologists from UCLA announced the results of a study showing that, while each person is an individual, in general men and women react in very different ways to stress. Specifically, the psychologists said that under stress, men’s bodies automatically turn to the strategy known as “fight or flight” (gearing up either to fight or to make a hasty retreat), whereas women’s bodies automatically prepare them to do what the researchers called “tend and befriend.”

That is, when stress mounts, a woman’s own hormonal system naturally inclines her first to protect and nurture her children (tend) and then to turn to a social network of supportive females (befriend). This, the researchers said, was the biggest difference between men and women in their responses to stress.

This finding didn’t surprise me. What did surprise me, though perhaps it shouldn’t have, was that the research team, headed by a woman, was nervous about publishing the study because they worried it might be used to stereotype women negatively.

“I hope women don’t find it offensive,” Shelley Taylor, the lead researcher, told a Washington Post reporter. “We’re trying very hard not to have people say, ‘Aha! We always thought that women should be at home taking care of their children.’”

How sad! Here was a study showing that under stress, women are more likely than men to try to make friends instead of enemies, and the researchers still felt the need to worry that it could be used to support keeping women in a circumscribed, traditional role. If only this tendency could be bottled and given to men!

“No man is an island, entire unto himself,” wrote the poet John Donne. Rare is the woman who needs to be told this. Most women, in fact, would probably find it laughably self-evident. The human species has survived because of communities of women tending and befriending, protecting and sharing food, resources and information with each other.

The Powerful Pull Toward Connection

Your connections—your relationships—are not separate from your sense of self, as they usually are with men; they are a part of you, included as much in your experience of yourself as your talents and abilities, or even your arms and legs. Chances are, you can feel a tear in the fabric of one of your relationships right in your body. Why can a man go for months without calling his family, or forget to send birthday presents, and not have it bother him? Of course, part of the reason is that less is expected of him because “he’s a man.” But it’s also true that he literally doesn’t feel the break in the relationship the same way you do.

This desire for connection and relationship is something our society often puts women down for. Women are labeled “needy” and “dependent,” and women who show they care more about connecting than competing frequently get passed over for promotions. It’s crazy—in our interconnected world, it’s becoming clearer and clearer that even in the business world, success depends more on sustaining good relationships than on ruthlessness and cunning. But old attitudes die hard.

When women don’t feel their needs for connection met, they often feel it’s their fault, or that something’s wrong with them. I can’t count the number of women who have told me that maybe they’re “too needy” and they want “too much.” This is unjust and unfair. It’s like a man slowly starving to death thinking he should adjust his caloric needs, that maybe he’s being “too hungry.”

But the pull toward connection leaves women vulnerable. So vital was connection to sheer survival for our foremothers that most women have trouble disconnecting, even when they want to. If you can feel a tear in the fabric of one of your relationships right in your body, then losing an important relationship, even a bad one, can feel like losing a limb. Doing or saying something that could conceivably cause a break in a relationship can bring up a strong, visceral feeling of fear, as if you were indeed risking injury or death. It doesn’t matter if your rational mind tells you you “shouldn’t” feel this way. Something within us sets off this powerful reaction. At those times, the need to connect and be connected can become so strong that it overrides all other impulses that arise from the inner self. Because of this, many women—including smart, intelligent, competent women—will let go of their own voices rather than risk losing connection.

—Reprinted from I Know I’m in There Somewhere: A Woman’s Guide to Finding Her Inner Voice and Living a Life of Authenticity by Helene Brenner by permission of Gotham Books, a division of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. Copyright © 2003 by Helene Brenner. All rights reserved. This excerpt, or any parts thereof, may not be reproduced without permission.

YBY MARY GRACE GARIS IN WELL + GOOD

That Polonius guy from Hamlet once said, “To thine own self be true.” And though Shakespeare was definitely blessing the world with some timeless truth by writing those words, which place value on being authentically you, putting them into practice isn’t so easy in a Facetime-forward world. Because really, what does it even mean to be true to yourself? And also, do I have to consult Hamlet SparkNotes to figure that one out? Because, TBH, I don’t want to relive any part of 10th grade.

Well, phew, according to at least one expert, there’s another way. “Being true to yourself starts with allowing yourself to know what you know, feel what you feel and want what you want,” says Helene Brenner, PhD, licensed psychologist and creator of the My Inner Voice app, “Of course, your feelings can change. What you know may be based on incomplete information. You may want some things that aren’t really feasible in your life.”

The internal conflict that often arises here is that we shame ourselves about how we shouldn’t be feeling or wanting what we want. “We’ll even deny our true desires or feelings, and we’ll pretend that we don’t know things that we honestly know to be true,” she continues. “And very often, we do this because we know that if we are true to ourselves, honest even with ourselves about what we know or feel or want, we will disrupt a relationship, or maybe even several relationships in our lives.”

As someone who was once fearful of leaving a demoralizing job because of the financial strain it would put on her life and a resulting never-ending guilt trip from her parents, does that ever ring true. Being authentic isn’t always easy since it can impact other people in practice, so how can we summon the courage to be true to ourselves? Well, below find three great ways to get started.

1. Vocalize What You Want (What You Really, Really Want)

After identifying your desires, bring your inner voice to the outside. “Sometimes the first step is to allow ourselves to say to ourselves first, and then to others, ‘This is what I truly want. It may not make others happy, and I may not yet know how I’m going to get it, but this is my truth,’” Dr. Brenner says. “And sometimes it may be to admit that we know something that we don’t want to know, because it means that something has to change.”

2. Identify When Situations Make You Feel Uncomfortable

Maybe you can’t exactly figure out the “why” that explains a certain relationship making you feel unhappy. But even if there’s no clear-cut reason, don’t silence that nagging feeling. “Sometimes you may sense that something’s going on that’s making you uneasy, but you can’t quite put your finger on it,” Dr. Brenner says.

TO READ THE REST OF THE ARTICLE  IN WELL+GOOD, CLICK HERE

Dr. Helene Brenner is a psychologist in Frederick, Maryland and author of I Know I’m in There Somewhere: A Woman’s Guide to Finding Her Inner Voice and Living a Life of Authenticity (Gotham Books, 2003).

By Mary Grace Garis in WELL + GOOD

Even if you don’t harbor people pleaser tendencies, learning how to say no can sometimes feel like a Herculean task—especially if you skew toward being an empath. Texting allows some people to find the easy way out in the form of thinly veiled lies like, “Maybe I’ll swing by.” But when someone in your IRL social sphere asks you for a favor (read: a demand) and you really don’t want to do it, you’re suddenly tongue-tied. It doesn’t matter if it’s a loathed boss, a trusted friend, or your own damn parent. It’s one word, two letters, and somehow tougher to say than slaying the Nemean lion.

Luckily there are pros who can offer some guidance, thus relieving your endless sense of guilt: “You can’t give a real wholehearted ‘yes’ if you don’t feel like you can ever say ‘no,’” reasons Helene Brenner, PhD, licensed psychologist and creator of the My Inner Voice app. And wow, do I feel seen. Building up relationships and being true to your own needs can be a super-tricky balance to strike—especially when those two forces are working in opposition.

Sometimes a “no” is really necessary for the sake of personal wellness. If you, too, need a guidebook on the art of saying no, here are some handy tips to follow:

3 things to consider if you’re on the fence about saying no

1. Check in with yourself

Listen to your gut feelings about your ideal situation. “When you first heard the request, was your first inner reaction along the lines of ‘Oh my God, I really don’t want to do this?’” Dr. Brenner asks. “If the thought of doing something gives you a terrible sinking feeling, rethink your decision.”

2. Remove emotion from the situation and ask yourself: “What do I really know to be true here?”

Let’s consider the scenario of being asked to do a favor at work. If your coworker is taking a long-weekend trip and asks if you can help her out with her to-do list, here’s what we know: You are a responsible, capable employee who tries to be a team player. Here’s what we also know: You don’t think you should be punished for being a responsible, capable employee who tries to be a team player.

Dr. Brenner advises that you ask yourself if you’re really indispensable in this situation. “Are you the only person who can do this task?” she asks. “Will disaster strike if you say ‘no’? More likely, the person who asked you may be temporarily at a loss as to what to do, but will then find some other way to meet whatever need you were fulfilling.”

TO READ THE REST OF THE ARTICLE  BY MARY GRACE GARIS IN WELL+GOOD, CLICK HERE

Dr. Helene Brenner is a psychologist in Frederick, Maryland and author of I Know I’m in There Somewhere: A Woman’s Guide to Finding Her Inner Voice and Living a Life of Authenticity (Gotham Books, 2003).

BY NATALIA BORECKA

We’ve all experienced that creeping feeling in the pit of your stomach that told you something wasn’t right. Maybe you were in a long-term relationship with the wrong guy, or you just signed a contract with a company you weren’t really sure about, or maybe it was that quiet whisper that told you he was cheating on you all along.

In most of these cases, we do the sensible thing, and proceed to ignore our feelings completely. After all, we’re taught that emotions are irrational, they can be easily manipulated, and that they have no real meaning anyway. It’s better to trust old logic, and logic dictates that you don’t have any real evidence to support any of your gut feelings. But then when the truth eventually bubbles to the surface, as truth tends to do, we berate ourselves for having ignored what we deep-down knew all along. Ignoring your emotions is a dangerous game. Do it enough time over the span of your life and you will soon find yourself losing touch with your own inner voice, you know, the one that tells you what you really want and need in order to be happy. It’s a sure-fire recipe for inauthenticity. Without it you’re walking through life covered in a thick fog of uncertainty. What am I doing? What do I really want? Is this the right relationship? Is this the right job? Who the hell am I becoming?

To help us dig through the fog, we sat down with authenticity expert Dr. Helene Brenner, a renowned transformational psychologist, speaker and author of I Know I’m In There Somewhere, a truly superb guide to rediscovering yourself, finding your authentic voice, lasting self-acceptance and happiness. It is literally the single most important book you will ever read, and should be required reading. We couldn’t recommend it more.

* * * * * *

LW. Hi Dr. Brenner! Thank you for speaking with us! You’re one of the first author’s I’ve come across who talks about the power of negative thinking. For years now people have subscribed to this idea that positive thinking is the end-all solution to all our problems – and if there happens to be anything wrong with your life, it means you’re not being positive enough. I love the way you talk about accepting negative feelings and almost using them as tools to finding a way to the life you really want.

HB: Yes, absolutely. I always tell people that emotion has the word “motion” in it for a reason – we move through emotion the same way we move through the weather. Just like I can’t say that because it’s sunny now it’ll always be sunny, it’s wrong to say that because I feel sad now I will always be sad. There’s no sense in putting a label on it, emotions are neither good nor bad, they’re simply a state of being. If we look at ourselves and say, I am sad right now, and we fail to see that sadness as a transient emotion, we end up identifying with it and getting stuck in those feelings instead of just letting them go. Just think of the way children experience emotion before they’re taught to repress them. Their feelings change from moment to moment – one second they’re crying, then they’re laughing, then crying again.

You can try to force yourself to think positively all you want, but those so called negative emotions are only going to get louder if you ignore them. The interesting thing is that they go away only when you turn towards them, hear them out, and listen to what they’re trying to tell you.

“Mental health is about allowing yourself to have the full range of your feelings, without labeling them as either good or bad.”

Let yourself be the way your body wants you to be in that moment. Don’t fight or label your emotions. Those emotions have an intelligence that they want to share with us, and listening to them can be a powerful experience. The problem is judgment, criticism, and all those outside voices that make you feel ashamed about your feelings.

To read more from Natalia Borecka, click here